Today at work, Sonya, the smelly meat woman chuckled really loud at me trying to wipe the smudges off the hot-case-glass with my back. Like, what a bitch. She has the nerve to laugh at me when she, the butchiest, smelliest, hairiest beast in Sobeys sits in her car on her hour-long lunches and knits sweaters and socks and mittens and crochets. Eff you Sonya.

The Silver Fox really likes me, I think its because I am overly polite, and every time we disagree and she seeks my approval in an odd sort of way, I always reply “I just wasn’t raised to be that type of person” AHA.

I have also become a small time chicken wing thief.

I have so much shit to do tomorrow and so much to sort through its seriously not even fit anymore. My mother sounds like a rescue helicopter hovering over the house while one of the rescue people lower themselves to save a man with 2 broken legs, a borken neck and 2 broken arms, when she sleeps.

I am also drinking water and wishing it was tequila, straight. We have to build a raft. It will be good. I must sleep. Bye.

I am not really sure how to go about telling someone that you are basically through with them, and make it sincere and not bitchy. Like how does anyone do that? Like I have analyzed the balance of the relationship and come to the conclusion that I am upset more than I am happy with it, thus it’s time to let it slide away. She just doesn’t need me any more. Thats how I judge whether a friendship will last. I will never need to know if those people I consider my friends “love” me, because love is a broad term, and in one way or another, I know they do. I need to know if they need me, and I don’t think she needs me anymore. We have moved in different directions, or rather, she has just moved, and I have stayed the same. Or so it seems to me. I thought I knew her better than I knew anyone, but I don’t know her at all anymore, so I will let her go.

It nobody’s fault I guess, we are just different now. People change, everything changes I guess. Sometimes it just really sucks. I just don’t know how to do this and still tell her that I am always there, if she needs me. Like how do you tell someone to basically fuck off, but still tell them don’t be afraid to call on you. Like its a contradiction. I just want to let her know where I am in my mind.

Maybe I just shouldn’t do it. It seems easier, but I still feel in my soul that I need to do it. I don’t know why, I just do. She’s not going to be around in the summer to tempt me, she’s leaving at the end of May. I don’t know. I am just going to do what feels right I guess.

I believed in your confusion
but then you let me down again.
Now everything that I have worked towards
has come to a bitter end.
You’ll never learn,
you’ll never see
everything that I am
and everything that I could be.
So you lost my trust
just as soon as it came.
Well I was left alone in the dark listening
to the sound of my pain.
And still through all your nerve
you can’t say my name.
Cause it beckons hurt,
oh it, it beckons pain.

I believed in you, absolutely,
in the way that you graced my soul.
I believed in the way you’d hold on,
and the way you wouldn’t let go.
But your hands have opened,
and I have fallen down.
Now I’m all alone here,
with my face down in the ground.
So you lost your self,
while you were spinning me round and round.
I can’t help you there dear,
you’re gonna have to learn to figure it out.
But if you had your strength
you could pick us both up, I know.
But you’re always so damned drained,
I’m gonna have to learn to let you go.

I believed in everything you’ve
ever done for me.
and not the fact that you did it, plain and simply-
just to see.
Did I react perfectly?
did I say it all just right?
I can’t believe you saw me
under such an awful light.
Was I deserving,
of that shadow that you cast?
I never meant to drag you down with me
I just meant to let it pass.
It doesn’t matter if you came,
It only matters if you stayed.
But I guess that doesn’t matter to you, its ok-
I didn’t want you anyway.
You came, you saw, you tasted
and said it just, it wouldn’t work out.
But I know the difference between
trying and ducking out.

For I am the Queen
of these two things.
so don’t make me turn on you,
the way you’ve turned on me.
Oh, don’t make me turn on you,
the way I’ve turned on me.

You might think it is a conflict between two people, perhaps one betrayed the other. In some ways thats right, but most importantly it is a conflict of good and bad within one mind. MY MIND. If you haven’t guess, I’M A LITTLE UNDER THE PSYCHOLOGICAL WEATHER. But I’m cool.

I am also becoming a very spiritual person, its helping me a lot and I am happy with the way things are currently being dealt with. I’m really coming into my own. I have found that I am not so dependent on others in the way I once was, I am gaining some confidence. I am also finally getting some shifts and making a few bucks here and there. It makes me feel good. I was accepted to DAL, but am still not sure if I want to go, cause what will I do once I get there? And after I have finished?

For some reason right now I can’t stop crying. I keep thinking about Samantha and Forbes and Justin, I can’t wait to be a whole again, its been so god damned long wince we have all been together. Life is too short for this bullshit, way too short. I’m really nervous that this is just the beginning of the end in all honesty. It really seems like it might be. Such a genuinely scary thought.

Easter was cool I guess, pretty quiet. Now that Nana has retired, I am literally going nuts. Cause she is making me go nuts. Ugh, I’m sore, I gotta go to bed before I die.

Ki
What am I? Who are we? Who will I be? Who will we become?

We will never know, no one will ever know, not the goddess, not the God, not the sun or the earth, not any being or object, its that simple. No one will know until the day we die and they recall and there is nothing else to do. It’s there when there is nothing left but what remains when they will catch a glimpse of our Ki’s, our spirits, or souls. Nobody even knows what our Ki’s are composed of, they will probably never know us.
This Sanctum was built as a place of peace and honesty. (I guess I planned on building a Spirit house for this). Lies dare enter this place. What happens when the Spirit house stays in the spirit house (?!?!?!?! wtf) . By the mouth of the Gods and the tongue of the Goddess I will say “Blessed Be”. This house is but one more spirit in this big world of hope and hopelessness, forever it will be. This is another era in my life, not a big part but still a part. It is here where I will cry, die and pick myself up again just to do it over and over again. It is here where we will laugh and praise each other and speak the truth, this is all a part of our greater good. I will burn these letters and this paint, and the Ki and spread the ashed around this house, as it burns I ask the Goddess and Gods to give me a piece of their spirit to add to these flames. so when I spread these ashes it will protect my spirit. From Zeus, Hera to their heir Heracles to Thothmosis and Hatshepsut to Bobby and Whitney. Protect us and our acquaintances, we need you too.

HAHAHAHAH. LIKE IT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE. BUT WE ARE DOING THIS YOU GUYS, WE ARE GUNTA. AHA. Eff thats hilarious. I’m happy I’m an odd ball right now.

These are my guidelines and rules.

1. No Drinking whatsoever other than Peggy Parties.
2. No Cigars.
3. No Cursing (this is a hard one).
4. No eating when bored.
5. No caffeine.
6. No spending more than $20 a week.
7. No holding back tears.
8. No Facebook.
9. Minimal texting.
10. Walk/do something when boredom hits.
11. Never stay still for more than 30 mins.
12. Be the best Deli worker ever by going super fast and getting all shit done.
13. Help somebody.
14. Talk to myself.
15. Change, to be the same.
16. Apologize to some people.
17. Tell some people to eff off.
18. Don’t curse at Nelly all the time.
19. Trust my Dog wholly, and fully.
20. Do something different everyday.
21. Be honest.
22. Be somebody.

I think I have a big problem letting things go, and more importantly, letting things in, even people. I don’t really know how to fix this, because I don’t want to let people in, I like keeping to myself. But its bad for me. I don’t know. I am just trying to deal with the things that make me most unhappy, one at a time. AKA the first thing I’m going to deal with is KRISTEN DECOSTE. Whew.

Ok I’m back one more time. Remember that blog were I asked “Are we [my friends and I] the same people we once were, and can we fit into each other lives?” I’m going to answer the fuck out of that question right now.  No and yes. We are by far not the same people we once were, and I think thats a good thing, If we didn’t change with everything else we would be so bored of one another. I love all my friend equally, but I don’t love them all the same. They all make me happy in their own ways. Sams got me pinned for the singing and MAKING music, Justin’s got me for the spontanity and randomness, Forbes has got me for expressing myself and openness, and comfort. And of course we all have our humor in common and many other things But I love them all dearly with ever fiber in my being. I would volunteer to get smacked by a mack truck any day if it meant their happiness.  The best times in my life are with those people and I am so happy to have them in my life its unreal.

I went to the beach uninspired and in a crappola mood, but I came back with something interesting, something inspiring.

I came home and got creative, not with the rock, but with what the rock told me. I simply made some potatoes. Baby potatoes drowned in ranch dressing, a little bit of Hellmans, a little garlic, salt, pepper, green pepper, diced tomatoes and marble cheese. Oh and parsley. I mixed it all, and threw it in the Toaster Oven. I am satisfied with my first day of me. Kyle and I enjoyed them, well I think he did, I did.

So when you see something that catches your eye, you owe it to yourself to pick it up. It caught your eye for a very good reason. You may not know what the reason is, but there is some reason. Just like me and my drift wood creations. I can walk the beach and look at every piece of wood and pick which ones I want. I know they speak to me, and sometimes they tell me things quite clearly and plainly, other times I just have a need to take them. I don’t know why, but I know they are speaking to me, I just can’t hear them yet. But I will listen more intently every time I see it.

And don’t forget to look in the garbage, cause thats where you find the best stuff.

The first chance we had Justin and I were at Samantha’s until 6 in the morning, then we finally went home. I just love driving around and doing nothing but singing and screaming with my bitches, I wish Forbes was there but he wasn’t. Nothing like seeing Samantha Yvonne Jane Goodall Reid singing her fucking soul away to “I surrender” by Celine Dion, hair flicking and body flailing around in the back seat. I’ve never come so close to dying. Justin and I both were dying. Then making sour attempts to get drunk, singing, playing, dancing, talking, LOVE IT ALL. Justin and I were planning a massive meal forever to surprise her. I was doing pretty good with the wine and cooking. Pretty memorable smell and taste analogies. I do feel kind of sad for depriving Sam of some good old fashioned perogies. And we went to Justin’s house for the night with good old Brigid J, nothing like it. That bitch is as black and funny as they come. I had a bottle of wine down before the party even started anyhow. I was good to go.

HOWEVER. I did discover that I can be a dick when I’m drunk. Katie and people used to tell me that people can get really angry and ridiculous, and I understood it, but I never experienced it until I was at Justin’s with Sam one night, and I had this bright idea that I was going to drive home drunk. Like the dumbest idea yet. And Sam wouldn’t let me, naturally, and I took a shit fit and would not talk to her at all for a 1/2 hour even though she was talking to me. LIKE, I was the definition of the word heinous. The first ten minutes was pure anger, and the next twenty was psychological damage I think. My mind was literally in my lap. Like I was on the verge of something serious. If Samantha wasn’t there staring at me I probably would have shed some serious tears, like serious tears. I’m happy she didn’t leave, even though I couldn’t find the words to speak to her. If I opened my mouth at the wrong time I know for a fact shit would have went down. So I just sat there on her couch trying to wear off my drunk, I was sorry she left at that point, VERY sorry. I just basically stared at the walls and cried a bit. Then I dozed off for like 22 minutes and awoke at 7:22. Got my car and drove home. LIKE THAT WAS PRETTY WITCHY. Sometimes I don’t even understand the things I do. Oh well, at least she wasn’t bitter the next day. THAT WAS GOOD. Yea so, I don’t know. Now I’m just sitting at the table that we ate supper on last night, I slept where she sat, her smell is fresh in my mind, her hair is on my jacket, new memories replaying every 2 seconds, a song finished. I think its safe to say I’m going through Samantha withdrawal. The worst kind. The worst withdrawal yet though was the Christmas one. Like the combo of Forbes AND Sam was baaadd. I’m still alive though.

I don’t know, I miss being a whole again. I feel incomplete without all my buds right here, its tough. Sometimes you just wanna tell them something, and you wake up and look around and realize its just you, in every sense of the thought. I think a really emo-sh blog is going to surface soon.