This is a blog dedicated to my beautiful friend, and fellow minister, Katherine Theresa MacDougall.

I met Katie in the beginning of grade nine, and at first she intimidated me because she was such a bitch, but as time wore on I found her to be quite enjoyable. She would bitch out X-Tina, Juanita, all these dumb people in French class, talk her way through math, flirt through science, and nose bleed of course and all these other things, and it was so fun. I loved how she brought things to my attention and new when I would have something sassy to say, ugh, the good old days.

But all in all, I love Katie because she can she when there is a pink elephant in the room. Not only does she see it, she god damned well gets on her polish imported horse, lassues the damned thing, brings it down with her her bare hands, slits its throat with a pocket knife, bleeds it out, cuts off the tusks, takes the skin for a coat, takes the meat for a light snack and makes dentures out of the damned ivory. And does it all with pride and a sense of satisfaction.

Katie taught me not to let people mess with me, because they are most likely a dumb fuck, and that there is an alternative to every route. We have become ever so lose since she moved away in a fake school with fake french people and I can’t wait to become an official minister with her and taste her legendary slippery nipples.

Ok I’m back one more time. Remember that blog were I asked “Are we [my friends and I the same people we once were, and can we fit into each other lives?” I’m going to answer the fuck out of that question right now.  No and yes. We are by far not the same people we once were, and I think thats a good thing, If we didn’t change with everything else we would be so bored of one another. I love all my friends equally, but I don’t love them all the same. They all make me happy in their own ways. Sam has got me pinned for the singing and MAKING music, Justin’s got me for the spontanity and randomness, Forbes has got me for expressing myself and openness, and comfort. And of course we all have our humor in common and many other things But I love them all dearly with every fiber in my being. I would volunteer to get smacked by a mack truck any day if it meant their happiness.  The best times in my life are with those people and I am so happy to have them in my life its unreal. LIKE, WE ARE THE FRIENDS OF THE CENTURY. PEOPLE DEFINELTY BASE FRIENDSHIPS AND WEIGH THEM AGAINST OURS. That’s how good we are. And of course we don’t like one another 100% of the time, but thats normal and even healthy, or at least I think. I was hoping Justin Robert Ryan would escort princess Bailey to her grooming appointment with me, but he has to work. Poop. So I guess I’m gonna have lunch with Andrea now, which is awesome as well. Although I really wasted to go shopping with Justy, like for when Sam is home, I would have bought some mad shit for us and stowed it away. Rite fast too. I always get the best stuff with him, he knows how to pick it. Even if its dumb. It feels good buying at the time, of course as I get older I have a little more control over my childish impulses, but that doesn’t change the fact that I want to buy it, wow, where the fuck did this underline come from? I can’t get it off either. Holy fuck this is gonna ruin the whole message. If Virginia Poirier could see me now. She’d think I was dancing and pissing on her grave. This is sincerely annoying, oh well. I just love my buds. Oh I fixed the underline, but it was there. Seriously. Anyhow. I was actually thinking about colaborating with Justin on the design of my new closet, he seems pretty profound when it comes to decor and design. I’m a hopeless mess with that stuff. But I can clean, that is something I can do, and do well.

OMG I keep having these terrible dreams of a certain individual dying and it seems to fucking real I cry in my sleep, so I’m scared to have a sleepover cause I might wake the other people up with my jerking around and restlessness. And like it keeps happening every three nights or so, it is seriously making me nervous.

I found my tea set, aka, Justin, Samantha and I are going to have a tea party.  And they are going to enjoy it. I’ll buy those little powdered doughnuts. SO GOOD. I’m really growing fond of a simple, hot sup of tea these days. and holy fuck.

Ok so I was in the pharmacy end of Walmart in Antigonish two days ago, and I was basically channeling Justin, wow this blog is def a Justin blog, anyhow. I was in the oral care isle, and I was debating on what mouthwash to buy. The conflict was between Plax, cause Justin and I plaxed, and of course Listerine, kyle says it hurts. But I found this whitening Listerine, and I decided to try it. WELL, IT TASTES LIKE IF YOU PUT SHIT IN A SLOW COOKER, WITH CARROTS AND OREGANO, THEN SWISHED IT ON YOUR MOUTH. LIKE NO MINT, JUST SWEET DISGUSTINGNESS. I actually was gagging. So anyhow, I used that stuff twice, but then when I was in the car driving to work, the inside of my cheek felt weird, like it was blistered or something cause the skin was really loose. Than all the sudden, it just falls off. MY CHEEK DETERIORATED IN MY MOUTH. I HAD A MOUTHFUL OF MY CHEEK FLESH, IT WAS SO SICK. I felt like a genuine cannibal. It didn’t/doesn’t hurt though, the skin just peeled right off.  So thats my story. I kinda have a weird craving to put ketchup on my pizza, but its too weird. Oh well.  Thats my story, and I’m sticking to it. BEN IS A PUSSY FART.

EFF GOING TO BED. I JUST REALIZED THAT I LIKE BEING A BITCH TO PEOPLE. I DON’T CARE HOW HYPOCRITICAL THAT IS, ITS WHAT I LIKE AND I’M NOT GOING TO CHANGE IT BECAUSE SOME STUPID BITCH CAN’T HANDLE THE EFFIN TRUTH. MY FAVORITE PEOPLE TO BITCHY WITH IS FORBES AND JUSTIN, BUT MOSTLY JUSTIN.  HE MAKES A BITCHIER PERSON AND I EFFING ENJOY THE SHIT OUT OF IT, ITS FUNNY AS FUCK AND I HAVE GREAT MEMORIES OF BEING A BITCH. I do get bitchier when my hair is down though, seriously. God. I had to get that out. THATS WHAT MY FRIENDSHIP IS BASED ON WITH KATIE MACDOUG, I LOVE THAT CRAZY BITCH, CAUSE SHE LEGIT IS A CRAZY BITCH.

Fuck. Like sometimes being petty is fun, exceot when its at the expense of someone you actually like. But I love bitching out people and flipping the bird to bad drivers and cutting people off who are obviously control freaks and need to be brought back down to earth. Like, don’t fuck with me, I can read you like you’re god damned brail and I am Alexander Graham Bell. And if someone id going to be a bitch to me, than I am gonna be a bitch right back. AS TRACY MAC SAYS “IF THERE GONNA FUCK WITH ME, I’M GONNA FUCK RIGHT BACK.” HELL. FUCKING. YES. I love being a bitch. And I love talking about people that I don’t know the whole story of, and I don’t wanna know, I just love being petty and lightly gossiping. Of course I do know when to draw lines. I’M SO INFURIATED I’M NOT EVEN GONNA PROOF READ THIS, HA. BYE MO FOS.

9 DAY’S. SINGLE DIGITS BABY.

Ok so, I closed the Deli tonight, all alone and whatnot, and I like ate everything I touched, had some pretty dece convo with Heather Mac. But when I was taking the Deli’s garbage out back and I met this guy who I always see around and hes like super nice and stuff, he looks like he should be from Lord of the Rings or sumsheet, but anyhow. I passed him and then I saw Cody coming up behind him, so I was like to Cody “What should I do with the Front End mop?? I have it in the Deli” He just told me to take it out back, and then this other guy, who I don’t know the name of still, turns around and starts joking with Cody and I “IS BOTHERING SHE YOU CODY, CAUSE I CAN’T HAVE ANYONE BOTHERING YOU” I just started laughing, then he came up beside me and threw his arm around my waist and starts rubbing my side. I have never been so uncomfortable in all my life, with exception to yesterday of course. So I just tried to stay calm and collected, play it cool. But he had me in this weird embrace for like, well I don’t actually know how long, but I know it was getting to be longer than 11.4 seconds, aka I was getting a bit panicky. Finally Craig came over and told him to do his work. BTW, Craig is a whiny bitch, and he also failed food/health audit thing, like failed miserably. Like got a 73 and the passing mark is 85. The Deli on the other hand got a wonderful 94. Craig darling, THATS WHAT I CALL KARMA. On an uppity note, my phone bill is a whopping 200 and some dollars…uh oh. Wade wasn’t impressed. I’m putting my family in the hole even more. Whatever, I GAVE HIM A HEALTHY ALTERNATIVE TO THAT IPHONE AS A CHRISTMAS PRESENT, HE CHOSE. NOT ME. I can’t control his actions. Oh, it was closer to300, lol. I have to stop texting Ben I guess. Those are expensive texts. I only have two shifts next week. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY. I wish I could have two shifts for the rest of my life. I haven’t chatted with Benjamin John in a whole day (:O oh well. I know hes dyyyyyiinnngg not talking to me.

I bought some daffodils for Samantha and they are all effing blooming before I get to give them to her. Such a piss off. Today has been a really weird day. I’m going to bed because I am mad as hell now. Night.

*10 days, and wash my fucking sheets tomorrow before work.

Today was one the most awkward days of my life, dead seriously. I was wishing I could find a cliff to jump off at every second, and had I seen one, I would have genuinely contemplated it.

Anyhow, after I got that over with I came home and gutted my closet out after making supper with my mother and now I’m watching Wade knock down walls. Sharon and Kimi got in a MASSIVE fight today, because Sharon is a child.  Whatever. I don’t really have anything productive to say today. I went shopping in Antigonish with my mother and Elizabeth George, hence the awkwardness. Andddd, umm. I dunno. Justin made a nice thread on facebook so we can all stay connected, pretty dece idea if I do say so. I’m just happy to be alive. I want to dance but my dad is cutting shit and there’s no room in here to dance. So much for my clean room. I’m excited for the change though, its always good to spice things up. I work tomorrow, blah. OH I did some math today, and it turns out that I can own a brand new Ford Focus with all the bells and whistles for 290 dollars a week. WOW. but I couldn’t put gas in it. damn.

SJYR has got me thinking about change again. The profound individual that she is. Life is funny because all it really is is change. In a sense. I have undergone some changes in the last several years and not even noticed until Floaf brought it to my attention. Example: I used to love digging holes. I haven’t dug a hole in over two years. Like a good and honest hole I could lay in and smell the mixture of pine trees, balsam, damp earth, moss and cold rocks. Damn. I used to love drawing too. I was never very good at it unless the pictures were dirty, for some reason all my creative abilities could be channeled through a ball point pen in math class with Ms. Ryan and Justin. LIKE THE SPERMINATOR! Its just odd how we forget the things we loved so much in the midst of life, then eventually we don’t think we’re missing them at all.

Anyhow, what I meant to say what that change is kind of a sensitive topic with me. I mean, its good, but its bad. Like you want something different, something new and exciting, but I also love the old familiarities I have made over the years. I think I could live without the new, but I would die without the things I know right now. Like if I stopped being friends with the people I have come to love, and the people I was naturally drawn to. Which brings me to the next hot topic. The friendship that I have with Forbes, Sam and Justin.  I hope that never changes, and I hope it is always there for me. If I didn’t have that in my mind, I seriously don’t know what I would think about. I could actually get all my work done at Sobeys, or be way high stress, or be dead from mental boredom. I don’t know.

On a lighter note. Work was good today, got the nine hour shift over with, thank gentle Jesus. Wade O’Halloran is going to start doing some construction in my room. My parents have decided to let me have five feet of living room space…. JK. I wish. He’s just knocking out my closet. But I’m still excited to be able to use the damned thing. This was the last step I promised myself I would take. Then everything would be ready for me to get my life in gear. And I swear to God I’m gonna do this, and I’m gonna do it right. For once. Except I can’t find my dad. After I find Wade, this pussy-footin’, it’s gonna end.

So my sister is on B.C. officially. Like shes 16. Maybe this is just a big sister talking, BUT ISN’T THAT A TAD YOUNG. The girl thinks shes 31, swear to god. Just because she has a boyfriend, she has to eff him. PLUS that same boyfriend dumped her flat on her ass, and she came crying to me about, and I mopped her up, but then as soon as he flinches and comes crawling back, shes there with open arms. THAT IS NOT THE O’HALLORAN WAY. WE ARE A PROUD PEOPLE, YOU DON’T FUCK WITH US, CAUSE I’LL BEAT YOU SINGLE HANDEDLY. Ugh and I don’t like her hair, like its alright, but I need long hair on a woman. Call me sexist, I don’t care. Shelley MacDonald can pull it off right good though.  Sarah’s is just always like boy hair. Anyhow, Wades being an ass to Kimi, I have to go lay into him and give her some support. LATA BOTCHES.

*12 DAYS, and wash sheets tomorrow.

OK so, today was the funniest day at work I have ever expirienced. Well, one of the funniest. Jillian effing Cogswell was making a pizza, and the damned crust rose so high it got hooked in the top of the oven and stuck, because normally the conveyor belt it sits on would pull it through, but Jillian didn’t notice, so the pizza was in there for like 40 minutes having the shit cooked out of it until I noticed the pan just sitting in there. I went and looked closer and saw that there was a pizza in it, coal black. Like another five minutes and that shit would have been a fire. The weird thing is that as we were realizing this as we were legit having a safety/ hazardous material audit. Good thing that shit didn’t catch on fire, cause I have a feeling we would have failed.

Omg, so I wrote the previous paragraph like an hour ago and then I went to cook supper, and was going to finish later, aka here I am. But I had a culinary epiphany. MARMALADE AND BARBECUE SAUCE COMBO. anyhow. It was good.

Ya so today was a good day, tomorrow is going to be hell considering I work a 6:30 to 3:30 shift. I might drop dead to the ground. Oh well, I get two twenties and an hour break. I have no money left, I just keep buying shit. I have to seriously start saving for BC with Tracy Mac.  I’m so excited to see Allan Gormagon Forbes MacQuarrie-O’Halloran Graduate. Emma MacQuarrie. EMMA CATHERINE MACQUARRIE. EMMA CATHERINE O’HALLORAN-MACQUARRIE. Hm. JUST TRYIN IT OUT. I DON’T KNOW IF FORBES REMEMBERS BUT WE SWORE THAT IF WE BOTH WEREN’T MARRIED BY 40 THEN WE WERE GOING TO GET MARRIED AND NOT BE OLD AND ALONE. I’m holding you to that bastard. I need to tap into your Broadway/NY-sitcom earnings. I need to roll in your dirty money. I will roll in your dirty money. And we can loop Sam in too, except she can join when shes 50, we’ll give her extra time. Shes a freeier spirit. Although I am pretty in-tune with my gypsy side.  So is Forbes actually. I don’t know. We can all be Wiccan princesses together. And maybe Ben and I will still be chatting. We can Skype him at our rituals.  My friends will be well acquainted by then at least.

Emma Rogers. Emma Catherine Rogers. Emma Catherine O’Halloran-Rogers.

Hm.

I would Like to first start off by stating 13 DAYS!

I cleaned my effing room today for Samantha Yvonne Jane Reid.  It doesn’t even make sense cause we are never in my room. But I did it with her in mind, so eff ya’s. The animal hair always makes me nervous. Last time I had to giver her Benadryl that expired years ago, literally. Then I was watching her like a hawk to make sure she didn’t collapse. I told her afterward that it was way over its limit. She didn’t care. That was a really good night. I think it was anyhow.  So appendix A in my last blog, or the one before that i can’t remember, but she broke up with dog faced Mr. Man that she was seeing, and who wasn’t doing her an ounce of justice. So that made me happy. Glad I could help.  Other than that its been a pretty mediocre day. I’ve been cleaning and chatting to Benjamin John and thats the extent of it. Sobeys awaits me in the wee hours and I am dreading seeing my boss, considering I took off on my last shift. I think I may have a lot of explaining to do, perhaps even in order to keep my position :s Whatever, I can sweet talk her into anything. AKA LIE. I still think I made the right choice. It was storming really bad out and I had to get across the causeway before it closed, so I packed my shit up, cleaned it up and left. IF I HAD TO MAKE THE CHOICE BETWEEN SOBEYS AND MY LIFE, I’M GONNA CHOOSE MY LIFE. Imperialist Bastards.

So yea. Sharon bought me soap today and it legit smells like pinesol, and I can’t use it because I can’t smell like that, I’d rather be dead. OH amd last night I had a dream that like little tapeworms, well they weren’t tapeworms but they were the same color, and they looked like really big maggots were infesting womens vaginas all around the globe, and they were literally shooting out of thier vaginas like torpedoes. It was a bad dream. Then I awoke to a pleasant drunk phone call from my lady in heels; Forbes Mac. Then after that I went back to sleep and dreamed of some bastard bitting on my cold sore (thanks to forbes) and then I got up and lived.

And I watched the Christian the Lion video on youtube like 20 times, a true and beautiful story. I love animals, I’m so happy I have one of those weird connections with them. Even my mom says that animals are always drawn to me. Thanks Kimi. OH and my dad finally fixed Nannie Carter’s Cuckoo clock, which made me cry when I heard it ring. I haven’t heard that since I was like three and sitting on her lap by the wood stove drifting in and out of sleep with her. She smelled like wet, warm, and sticky earth combined with jergens cream, cloves and soot, with a hint of baked bread. I loved that woman. I hope I have a baby that can sit on my grandmothers lap as I did with my dad’s grandmother. That would make me happy. BUT NOT SHARON. She would corrupt my children and make them bitter and afraid of the world. She would be too busy protecting them from the demons of the earth instead of showing the wonders of it to them. Or she would just tell them how to live, it all amounts to the same  thing. I am forever grateful that my mother is nothing like that woman. No one should have to go through that hell.

Well that about sums up my day. 13 days from now I will be an extremely happy camper. *Note to self remember to wash sheets tomorrow.

It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives. Weird though on my part. Love. And Ben, you’re a nagging peep of a man. lol. JK.

Ok so, I did the worst thing I could have possibly done. I told A certain person a certian secret. And now the person is going to tell our very close mutual friends, and then they are all going to corner me. AKA I am going to publicly and openly cry. Rather be dead than do that. I was too rash with this one. Everyone

thinks they know what it is, and they think its not a big deal but I can almost guarantee that what they are thinking is wrong. And even if they did know the WHOLE thing then to them it may not seem that bad, but to me it honestly was. And there is no way I could make them understand. Not that I would really want them to. I’m effed. That secret is gonna surface real soon. And then I’ll have nothing. I could never imagine waking up everyday and not having it on my mind every second. Or like not worrying that someone found it out. Some people I wouldn’t mind telling, AND SOME PEOPLE I REALLY WOULD. So I have decided that I am just not going to provide the opportunity for such an even to occur. It makes the most sense. OK so on the other hand.

Appendix A: Meets a boy in a mutual, common interest environment. She secretly loves Mr. Man, but he was too much of a dumbo to see it. After months she finally gets the hint across, and gets up the nerve to make a move. He reciprocates affection, but not really honest feeling, as she is feeling. He is still obsessed with a previous love. She still wants to be with him. Time goes on, and eventually they start legit dating. He’s still relatively cold and distant, not to mention an ass, and she still wants it to work. She gets fed up with being emotionally deprived and cheats. She can’t tell him and he is still making her unhappy. She’s stuck for whatever reasons. She doesn’t deserve this because she is worth so much more than he gives her credit for, and he wears her down more and more with each day and makes her more unhappy. He takes her for granted.

Appendix B: She meets him in her building. He doesn’t notice her interest in him. He pursues her friend. Her friend doesn’t reciprocate. She still keeps trying herself, with no avail. They finally meet while at a club one night, and while amidst the dancing and screaming, she gets a number. She texts/calls/whatever and he hangs around, still not really showing affection, and if he did, not to the level that she wanted him too. He is still putting the moves on her friend. Shes getting discouraged. She blames herself for not being good enough in whatever way. She is wrong in every way. She is actually quite remarkable and amazing, he should be so lucky to find a person like her. But he still doesn’t really give. He dumb. I don’t even know how this one ended, lol.

Appendix c: Moves away from home, commits to a long distance realtionship with her loving boyfriend of a very long time. She lives without him and gets caught up in a new world. She falls in lust with some guy she didn’t know.

He turns out to be an ass and a freak, but by this time she had already slept with him lots and lots. She goes home on holiday and reconnects with her boyfriend. She realizes she still wants him in every way. Well most ways. And she breaks up with crazy bitch, and he really is a crazy bitch. She kept her options open for a while, but still wanted her boyfriend. They are together. They are good together.

WHEW, needed to get that off my chest. Love is really and give and go, give and take, drop and throw, thrust and pull, sweet and sour thing. You just never know whats coming your way. I have defined love according to my own opinion.

Love:

Love consists of different emotional elements. I don’t know how to formulate an answer for this very well, but here I go. Love is a need in all of us. A need to make sure the people we care about are well off (in whatever ways), a need to make thing easy and painless. A need to accept people just as they are, in the most natural of forms; as people with thoughts and opinions, and we appreciate these qualities in them because they make them  the person that they are. Love is loose, it bends and moves and shifts with our movements. We try our best to give it what it wants, but sometimes we can’t, and shit happens. We can’t win em all I guess. I want to be able to say that love knows no boundaries, but it does. I mean its a nice thought and all but like if some hunky guys is gonna start raping kids, I’m not gonna feel the same attraction to him as I did prior to the rape. He would disgust me. Love is trust, and intimacy and interdependence. Love is to be experienced and not just felt. If that makes sense. Love can be unconditional, and it can be created. Love is desire, preference and feelings. Love is a phenomenon. Love is the epitome of understanding each other and understanding that no one is perfect.

OK so, I have been thinking about what it really means to be a true friend, and it turns out that I don’t know much. Like, I know the basics. I think. OK this is all a big thought to divert you from the real issue. My insecurity. AM I A DECE FRIEND? I really do try to be, but sometimes I get so damned petty, and I am fickle.  How does a girl be the bigger, better person when everyone around is way bigger and way better?!?!? I don’t think I have ever had the opportunity to walk in when the world has walked out on anybody. And if that day ever comes, WILL I BE READY?? OR JUST LOST FOR WORDS?? I have never been that important to someone so that I am the one who has to walk in when the world walks out. Although I will say that I have forced my ass in and pushed the world out for people/ one person. But that was all by my own accord.

But now I’m realizing that no one has ever really done that for me either. Maybe its like a give and get situation, like I have to give pieces f myself in order to receive pieces of someone else. Like Tomb Raider. My best friend is my dog, I pick her up when she cannot go on, and she holds me when I break down.

Well I wrote this two days ago and saved it under drafts, and it turns out I kind of had to walk in when the world walked out on my friend. TURNED INTO A HOT MESS.  But getting back on track. I have human friends, and I was trying to figure out who the best friend of all my friends are and it comes down to three major people who I would trust my life with. And when I say “trust my life” with I don’t actually mean trust my life with cause I would never put anyone through that pressure, I would legitimately rather die than do that. But there are three main contenders for top spot, and I love them all equally, but not the same. So its tough, then Shelley told me that I would never really have to choose. Shelley is a pretty smart gal, I decided to take her word for it. I just hope that I can be as good a friend to these people as they have been to me. I don’t think I thank them often enough for doing such a wonderful job of keeping me sane and happy, and for the most part content with myself. I’d kill to have at least one of them here right now. And if it ever came down to one of those “if you were in a burning building and could only save one friend, which one would you save” situations, then I would just stay behind and die alone and let those guys galavant off. Free, happy and safely.

Our mind is our deadliest deadliest weapon. I am living proof.

I don’t know what I was trying to prove with this blog. All I know is that I love my friends with everything I am, because they basically make me who I am, and nurtured me into security. Thanks guys, I love you all.